The Mad Crimes
by Windrises
Summary: The Mad Hatter causes Batman a lot of eccentric trouble.


Note: Batman was created by Bill Finger and Bob Kane and is owned by DC Comics.

Batman got a report from Commissioner Gordon that the Mad Hatter broke out of Arkham Asylum and stole a bunch of Alice in Wonderland merchandise. Batman said, "The crimes I have to stop keep getting sillier." Batman drove to where the Mad Hatter was last seen. Batman looked around and saw a lot of rabbit holes. He tried to be careful, but there was a rabbit hole so wide that Batman accidentally fell down it.

Batman looked around and noticed that the place around him looked like Wonderland. He said, "This couldn't be Wonderland. I guess the Mad Hatter was foolish enough to decorate a place to look like Wonderland. He probably hired a crew to make it while he was in Arkham Asylum."

The Cheshire Riddler said, "Welcome to Wonderland Alice." The Cheshire Riddler was wearing a pink costume and had a fake cat tail.

Batman asked, "What's going on and why did you call me Alice?"

The Cheshire Riddler said, "I'm the only one that's allowed to ask questions around here. How are you and Alice the same?"

Batman replied, "I don't know."

The Cheshire Riddler said, "You're both curiouser and curiouser." The Cheshire Riddler giggled while Batman frowned.

Batman asked, "What's the Mad Hatter's plan?"

The Cheshire Riddler said, "I told you that you're not allowed to ask questions you weird looking tourist."

Batman replied, "It seems like talking to you is a waste of time."

The Cheshire Riddler asked, "I have another riddle for you Batman: How is a bat like a cat?" Batman didn't respond. The Cheshire Riddler said "They both know how to rhyme."

Batman said, "That's a joke, not a riddle."

The Cheshire Riddler asked, "Riddle me this: How is Batman like a lie detector? They both give you honest answers you don't want." The Cheshire Riddler laughed while Batman walked away.

Batman walked around the weird place that looked like Wonderland to find the Mad Hatter. Eventually he found the Penguin who was wearing a blue caterpillar costume. Batman asked, "Where's the Mad Hatter?"

The Penguin said, "That's the first thing you say? No hi or anything else proper? You lack manners young man." The Penguin tried to smoke, but Batman broke his pipe in half. The Penguin tried to use one of the broken parts of the pipe, but Batman broke it into more pieces.

Batman angrily said, "I'm not liking the goofy stuff the Mad Hatter's having you and the other villains do. You better tell me where the Mad Hatter is before I beat you up."

The Penguin replied, "Calm down Mr. Batman. The Mad Hatter is at his daily tea party. A smart detective like you should of known that."

Batman asked, "Where's the tea party at?"

The Penguin said, "You should find that out yourself Mr. Batman. I'm tired of being answering everything you're too lazy to find out by yourself."

Batman walked further to find out where the tea party is.

A young girl named Celia said, "Hi Mr. Batman. It's nice to meet you."

Batman asked, "What's a young girl like you doing here?"

Celia said, "I'm a special guest at the Mad Hatter's tea party."

Batman asked, "Can you show me where the Mad Hatter is?"

Celia said, "I am allowed to bring one guest and my friend Lewis couldn't come so follow me Mr. Batman." Celia led Batman to the Mad Hatter's tea party.

The Mad Hatter smiled and said, "Welcome to the tea party Celia and Batman."

Batman responded, "I've come to defeat your scheme."

Celia asked, "What is Mr. Batman talking about?"

The Mad Hatter said, "His imagination is almost as big as mine. Take a seat Batman."

Batman whispered, "I'll take a seat and throw it at you if you keep this up." Batman sat down with a angry expression on his face.

The Mad Hatter asked, "What kind of tea is your favorite Batman?"

Batman said, "The kind that'll hurt you the most after I throw it in your face."

Celia replied, "Mr. Batman has a dark sense of humor."

The Mad Hatter poured Batman a cup of tea. Batman pretended to drink it, but he secretly threw the tea at a plant. The tea made the plant grow faster. Batman had a wide eyed expression as the plant kept growing. It took a minute for Batman to realize it was one of Poison Ivy's plants.

The Scarecrow was wearing a March Hare costume. He said, "Boo."

Batman asked, "What are you trying to be Scarecrow?"

The Scarecrow Hare said, "I'm a scary hare."

The Mad Hatter replied, "This is my best friend, the March Hare."

Batman said, "He's a human, not a bunny."

The Scarecrow Hare responded, "Hares and bunnies may not be the same thing. I don't know. Um I'm scary."

Mr. Freeze was wearing a Dormouse costume. He was sleeping in a giant teapot made out of ice. The Mad Hatter said, "Wake up Mr. Dormfreeze. Batman's here."

Mr. Dormfreeze woke up and said, "Greetings Batman. I've got some ice cubes to put in your tea that'll add so much flavor."

Batman responded, "That plan is too cold hearted for me."

Mr. Dormfreeze said, "I'm disappointed Mr. Batman." Mr. Dormfreeze went back to sleep.

The Mad Hatter asked, "Which game should we play first Batman?"

Batman said, "The game that involves you telling me what your evil plan is."

The Mad Hatter responded, "That's a sarcastic comment, not a name of a game."

Batman angrily said, "I hate games."

The Scarecrow Hare responded, "Batman hates all fun stuff."

Batman said, "That's not true you crow hater. Criminals like you guys assume that troublemaking antics are fun, but they're cruel and unappealing."

Celia asked, "Does Mr. Batman think that you're a evil person Mad Hatter?"

The Mad Hatter said, "Batman pretends to hate us as part of a game we play. I play the delightfully happy troublemaker and Batman plays the grumpy loser." Batman frowned at the Mad Hatter.

The Clock King arrived and said, "I'm sorry to be late for the second time this week Mad Hatter."

The Mad Hatter said, "You're constantly running late for very important dates."

The Clock King asked, "Did I miss anything important?"

The Mad Hatter said, "Mr. Batman is a guest today." The Clock King politely waved at Batman. Batman grumpily waved back.

Celia said, "Mr. Batman doesn't seem to be enjoying his time here as much as our previous guests."

The Mad Hatter asked, "How can I make this visit to Wonderland better for you Batman?"

Batman answered, "By telling me what your plan is."

The Mad Hatter said, "I don't think you'd want the answer to that Batman."

Batman responded, "I really want the answer."

The Mad Hatter had a evil expression on his face and said, "I better get the trial ready then."

Batman asked, "What's going on?"

The Scarecrow Hare said, "The Mad Hatter's putting you on trial."

Batman asked, "For what crimes?"

The Scarecrow Hare said, "For ruining the imagination of the patients of Arkham Asylum." Batman rolled his eyes.

Poison Ivy, the Knave of Plants, said, "I've been ordered to bring Mr. Batman to the rulers of Wonderland."

Batman asked, "Aren't you the ruler of Wonderland Mad Hatter?"

The Mad Hatter said, "You keep guessing wrong Mr. Batman. I'm merely a hat maker."

Batman stated, "But you're the mastermind behind this crime."

The Mad Hatter replied, "Yes, but that doesn't mean that I get all the power. It's a sad fact I must deal with." The Mad Hatter tried to look sad to get sympathy.

Poison Ivy sarcastically said, "I feel terribly sorry for you."

Batman was dragged to the court area. Celia, the Cheshire Riddler, the Penguin, the Scarecrow Hare, and Mr. Dormfreeze were the jury. Despite being a jury member Mr. Dormfreeze was sleeping. Batman asked, "What's going on?"

The Mad Hatter answered, "I'm suing you Batman for all the times you ruined my inspiring and illegal plans. If you win me and the other villains will go back to Arkham Asylum, but if I win you're not allowed to stop my plans anymore."

Batman asked, "Where are the lawyers?"

The Mad Hatter said, "This place doesn't have lawyers. Wonderland doesn't have logic which makes it more charming."

The Joker, the King of Hearts, and Harley Quinn, the Queen of Hearts, arrived. Batman asked, "Which of them is the judge?"

The Mad Hatter sighed and responded, "It seems like I'll have to keep reminding you that this place doesn't have logic!"

The Joker said, "We are gathered here to today to untie this bat and my new prison to a lifetime of being roommates. Ha, ha, ha!"

Harley Quinn asked, "Off with the bat's cowl."

Batman angrily said, "You are acting more childish than usual. You fools better cancel this stupid trial."

The Mad Hatter said, "I think Batman has proven to us how insensitive he really is. He lacks respect for his fellow rivals."

Batman responded, "You don't deserve respect."

The Mad Hatter said, "For years Batman has ruined the fun we all want to have by being a bothersome hero. I think we should trap him for the next few decades so he could learn not to attack our enjoyment."

The Joker responded, "You've made a great case Mr. Hatter." Batman rolled his eyes.

Harley Quinn asked, "Are you ready to defend yourself Batman?"

Batman said, "Of course I am. I haven't done anything bad. You evil goofballs have been doing illegal stuff for years and you deserve to be sent back to Arkham Asylum for several more years."

The Joker asked, "Do you have any proof of what we did?" Batman showed the Joker a list list of the stuff the villains have been accused of.

The Mad Hatter said, "We've done all of those things, but proof of our crimes won't help you this time Batman. The criminals are the jury, not the police."

Batman responded, "The police aren't the jury, but they have a job in this case."

Commissioner Gordon and his police officers arrived and started putting handcuffs on the villains.

The Mad Hatter asked, "How did you get them to come?"

Batman said, "As soon as I fell down the rabbit hole I realized what your plan was so I called Commissioner Gordon and told him where the rabbit hole was. I pretended to be trying to find out your plan to keep you fools busy so the police could come here in time."

The Mad Hatter responded, "My plan to get Batman arrested ironically has led me and my fellow criminals to get arrested."

Celia asked, "Am I going to be arrested Mr. Batman?"

Batman said, "No. You were too young and optimistic to realize that the Mad Hatter was working on a evil plan. The police will give you a ride back to your parents."

Celia responded, "I've learned to stay away from curious rabbit holes and greedy hatters." The Mad Hatter shook his fist at Batman and Celia.

The Scarecrow Hare said, "I'm done with ever following any of your plans Mad Hatter."

The Mad Hatter responded, "Don't give up on me. I have other Alice in Wonderland plans that'll work."

The Joker said, "Your plans are dumber than Harley Quinn's Christmas presents. Ha, ha, ha!"

Commissioner Gordon said, "I didn't think a classic book for kids could lead to so much trouble."

Batman jokingly responded, "We should have Alice in Wonderland books removed from all stores."


End file.
